Friday, 18 March 2016

It was Hannah’s funeral yesterday. Some ways much easier than expected, some ways much harder. The weather was lovely, that made a big difference. Getting to London and then Sidcup was fine - the most noticeable thing for me that the Cemetery - which was lovely, had extensive grounds and gardens as well as a reception hall (also lovely) but absolutely no facilities whatsoever for pedestrians - you either walked 'in' the road or on the lawns - and it was nearly a problem to negotiate.

The coffin was a lovely wicker box, and interestingly her best friend and sister who had worked together to make the day happen decided to sack the ‘celebrant’ the day before and manage everything themselves - a far better solution. They had come to the sensible conclusion that they didn’t want a complete stranger talking about her. I had a speech to read but my eyes were too filled up to read and I couldn’t remember half of it - but it was fine, nobody noticed.

Afterwards, we went to Greenwich for a meal and drink with everyone. Her best friend is married to someone very famous, he gave me a lift - as he was trying to park a very large car into a very small space I was aware that a small crowd was forming as people stared at him - he’s oblivious. Once when I was talking to them at an event a photographer told me to get out of shot. It’s another world. I was at college with his best friend and we had a long conversation about how much damage the RCA did to us all - and it did.

After the wake - I came home through London, I actually look pretty good in a black suit - I have no interest in wearing one again, it was an odd experience - people look at you differently - at least 2 people in Hastings I knew looked straight through me in the morning and in the evening, one person checked themselves in the shop where I went to buy milk (she reads this - I wasn’t at all bothered by that - I’d actually forgotten what I was wearing by this point).

Her Facebook profile is still life - I have mixed feelings about that, at the moment I can't look at it - and there are dozens of private conversations stored on there - really not sure how to negotiate that one.

My flu has finally subsided. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had and 2 weeks of my life I don’t want to repeat. During one delirious evening I watched the first couple of episodes of the original TV production of Survivors - and the first 90 mins of The Stand - before it got silly, and then Contagion. So an evening of world-ending epidemics, plus my own.

I went to a lot of trouble to put together a pitch for a job a few weeks ago, and heard nothing until Thursday morning - I found the response asking me to go to a meeting where it had hidden for a fortnight, in my junk mail folder - and too late. After some pleading I am going to see them next week - it’s difficult as I have to prepare work first. I’ll have probably invested about £3k into getting this job, and I’m only one of 4 applicants - it will make a huge difference to my finances and something I really need.

Tomorrow I am staying at home to clean the house. On Sunday, I need to go into work to catch up. Among other things next week, I’m helping at a ‘literary salon’ with Stella Duffy, amongst others - in the bar below my studio.

I left work at lunch time today - the first day I have ever forgotten my glasses, it was a waste of time being there - and I just wasn’t in the mood. I was incredibly tired.

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