Tuesday, 28 July 2015


Warning, this post includes repeated episodes of self pity and references to the mess I've managed to make of my mouth. It also rambles a bt - blame the Cocodamine.

I watched part one of the BBC drama about the Bloomsbury group last night, I actually quite enjoyed it, even if it was a little self consious and nobody had any visible means of support or social responsibility towards anyone except themselves. I thought it was an interesting diversion, I liked the time-slip technique and everyone looked 'real', Duncan Grant turns out to be an even bigger slut that I imagined, and as such - far more believable. I'm quite sure I've met him or people like him. Frequently.

I managed to finish watching 'Cordon' - the Dutch drama / horror about a contained disease outbreak in Antwerp - I really enjoyed it and I'm not surprised that it's already being re-made for American Television as 'Containment'. I doubt that they will get it right - it was an very challenging and intriguing concept - and oddly, not a million miles away from a joke/speculative idea I had for a film a few months ago based on the Barbican estate in London - which gets cordoned off after a disease outbreak - a Barbican being a fortified tower  (see what I did there!!) - the drama being the question over which was really the right side to be on. My exciting foray into film lasted about as long as 3 pints of lager and then I went home and did something else, probably went to bed.

One of the odd things that I've noticed about my current predicament is how people have reacted. Some people have kept a very obvious distance, others have been uexpectedly warm and kind. It hasn't worked out how I expected at all. I suppose it's been an education and usefull to know. I've also become aware of vultures flying about, ready to pick off any work I can't complete - the joy of being a self employed consultant.

I know I've been massively grumpy recenty - I'm just grumbling. I didn't sleep well again last night and I'm gearing up to go to hospital shortly. I loathe being unwell and I'm starting to think that this must be what it's like to be old. When I went to the Maxio-Facial clinic last week there were two doctors, a nurse and a consultant who all came and had a look at me in turn, chatted amongst themselves and talked 'at' me - not in a bad way, they didn't mean any harm and I didn't need anyone to hold my hand, but I felt like a 'thing' - and it was frightening. I found myself being uncharacteristically meek and passive, I'm seeing the same consultant later and I'm already practising how I'm going to point out that nobody in the last 3 weeks has noticed that my cheek is broken and the bone moves about when you prod it. I'll try to be assertive without being cocky. I've come to realise that the expression on the face of the young girl who struggled to sew up my mouth in A&E was actually not concern, but more a case of 'what the fuck an I supposed to do with this"

I've a couple of wounds that are covered with quite large scabs that have just reached that final stage before they heal where they are painful, itchy and burning. It's amazing how distracting they are.

Now that Alfie Greyhound has settled into a fog of mild senility - his new favourite thing is to suddenly need to go to the toilet in the middle of the road. Repeated episodes of me dragging a reluctant, squatting dog out of the path of a speeding car are getting wearing.

On Wednesday evening - I'm determined to help out at an event in the theatre space below my studio. It's organised by the Writer Paul Burston and is a six month Arts Council funded monthly residency for the promotion of writing and publishing in the LGBT arena - I worked the last one, making sure nobody got lost in the building or fell down the stairs - and hopefuly I'll be doing this one too. One of the authors will be David MacAlmont who had a brief but spectacular pop career with Bernard Butler fron the group Suede. As long as I don't have any more stitches 'outside'  my mouth and just 'inside'  I'll be fine. I actualy think they are going to tell me to accept my new mouth the way it is - I'm kinda inclined to agree - they have already admitted they could end up making me look much worse. I've already found myself unconcioiusly biting my lip to hide it and talking out of one side of my mouth. I knew someone once who was so embarassed by a rogue tooth  (really not that bad ) that he taught himself to talk, smile and laugh without ever showing his teeth - until he had very expensive dental work in his 40's. I presume this gave him a new lease of life, which unfortunatly included dumping me.

Monday, 27 July 2015


Got up early - took my time and went into work from 10 - 12noon. Really surprised at how feeble I've become in the last couple of weeks, really out of condition. Being at work was fine, coming home up the hill was rubbish (I nearly got the bus, that bad) and I had to go to bed for a couple of hours. Both my arms really hurt It's clear from my clothes I've lost a lot of weight and the wound n my mouth is actually starting to embarrass me. I looks rubbish close to. I'm back in hospital tomorrow and I'll talk to them about it. That, and the fact that I can move a piece of bone about with my finger on my right cheek - I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that.

Very tired, bad tempered and frazzled this evening. I want this to be all over now and get back to normal. Emailed everyone and did some planning - hopefully back to work on Wednesday - I'm also due to help at an event in te evening. Nothing too strenuous - just making sure people get to the venue from the door.

I'm going to try and wind down a bit this evening - I wasn't expecting it to be quite this difficult - hopefully it will be better after today. I have to go to the hospital by bus tomorrow - I'll only get a cab back if I have anything invasive done. I still have not gone through my finances  I've been putting that off, not something I'm looking forward to doing.

Saturday, 25 July 2015


I went for lunch at a friends house yesterday - first time I've done anything like that in a couple if weeks, really needed to do it and enjoyed it very much. Have only 2 days of Anti-biotics left and have cut right down on the pain stuff, and my sleeping patterns seems to be returning to normal (I was starting to enjoy sleeping 18 hours a day - not great).

Yesterday afternoon it rained, quite heavily in the evening - according to social media this was probably the worst day to be alive since the creation of the earth. Still waiting for evidence of thousands of people washed away across the south if England. According to the news, - summer has been ruined.

Additionally, as more evidence of the infantilization of the UK public - we are all in imminent attack of giant, child eating seagulls. The newspapers and facebook are full of complete and total shite again.

Seagulls were here first. We feed them, we have a fishing fleet at the bottom of my raod that supplies them daily with fish heads and guts, we create perfect nesting sites for them, we create landfill sites for them to play on, we welcome tourists and daytrippers who throw food at them and we do everything we possibly can to encourage them - so as a result, they hang around. During the nesting season they are very protective of their chicks, obviously. I occasionally wear a crash helmet in the garden - it's just common sense. Foxes climb onto the roofs down here and steal the chicks and eggs - so the seagulls get agitated when they see dogs, reasonable. Suddenly Hastings is full of silly old idiots who demand a seagull cull, they are probably the same wankers who don't use seagull proof bags (like my neighbours) or get up early on Friday morning and see the streets full of torn and split bin bags waiting to be collected. People are such idiots.

Still can't lift my left arm or carry any weight, but the biggest scab on the side of my head has fallen off and I don't look too bad now - I'm even starting to live with my wonky lip. Now that the swelling has gone down there is clearly a chunk of bone on my cheek that is mobile - it's causing me any problems but I'll mention it at the hospital on Tuesday. Still a bit achey-painy but I am bored and frustrated now and want to get back to real life and get some exercise. I've lost over a stone - some of my better shirts actually fit quite well now. I'm not complaining.

Thursday, 23 July 2015


I had every intention of going to work today, I went to bed early and made the decision to cut down a bit on the amount of CoCodamine I'm taking - it makes me wooly headed and I think it affects my balance. As a result I woke up at 4am with my face throbbing. I did manage a few hours in the house and had a proper breakfast and went back to bed at 9am 'for a nap' and woke up at nearly 3pm. Another day lost. In truth - I'm starting to feel better - my arms hurt a lot less today and I'm typing better, I really want to go back to work now. By coincidence, a new piece of work came in - a really short but interesting piece for someone who used to be a pop star and still works in the industry. It seems like years ago that he was 'current' - but he's still in his 20's so I suspect he may have been about 11 when he was on the telly before. I'm starting it in the morning.

Almost all the scabs on my face and arms have fallen off, except the big wound on my shoulder so I look OK, although I do look like I've had a small stroke. I have the kind of aches and pains you get the day after some kind of stupid exertion. It's been almost 2 weeks and even though I was very lucky - I'm amazed at how much harm you can do to yourself in just a few seconds.

I had solid food today. Scrambled egg, baked-beans and toast - it was lovely. I think that stopping the anti-inflammatories is already fixing my digestive system - I spoke to a friend yesterday who has gout and takes the same meds and it's the bane of his life. You develop a new respect for people when you 'feel their pain'.

I managed to get into a row with a complete stranger (I think she's about 18) about Jeremy Corbyn earlier this afternoon. I won. Her 'thesis' was that she wanted him to be the leader of the Labour party - but that she was going to vote green at the general election. She couldn't quite get her head around the failure in logic here. I used to be a member of the Green party - many years ago when I lived in Liverpool, and was very active. I even published a newspaper for them . In my constituency now the tories got in partly because of a particularly vicious boundary change - we regard her as the MP for Rye, and not Hastings - and partly because the local Green candidate spent the election attacking the labour candidate and party rather than the tories, garnering quite a few populist votes for himself - and guaranteeing that Amber Rudd returned as MP (even to her own surprise) - I don't know how he feels now that Rudd is Environment and climate change Secretary and is about to do more damage that any of us thought possible.

One of the reasons I'm voting for Andy Burnham (I have nothing against any of the candidates, they are all good people) is that I believe he still has an emotional connection with his roots and his beliefs that supercedes his political persona - and he's the only candidate who will be able to stand in front of the house of commons and honestly tell the truth about past mistakes and admit when things were wrong  without making it 'politics' - I think that a lot of mud will be thrown around over the next 5 years, not just from the tories but from a number of long-term enquiries that are gathering steam in the background and we need someone with both strength, political passion and some humility.

In other news, I've had some incredibly bad news about one of my oldest friends. I'm having trouble taking it in at the moment and figuring out how to deal with it. It's changed the way I feel about my own problems.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Wednesday PM

Well, I went to Hospital in Eastbourne - I actually enjoyed the journey - Lou Lou, who took me, is great company. It took about 10 mins, 2 doctors (both very nice and very curious about the inside of my mouth) a nurse and a very important man who must be the head honcho of maxio facial to decide that I should wait until next week and he'll see me at a different hospital (In Hastings - annoyingly difficult to get to EXCEPT BY BIKE). I was seen very quickly, they were actually waiting for me already - but the amount of admin was really disproportionate to what was happening. I have also noticed that my Doctor would have hours more time to her day if she had a better PC interface to work with.

So - I still have a lip hanging off that leaks when I drink - but I'm in less pain and the infection is on the way out.

In other news - it appears that the insurance company are going to replace my bike - I only rang up expecting to be laughed at, and although my bike is insured anywhere in the world as long as it's locked, the fact that I was unconscious and it was technically in the care of the police, who have lost it - seems to have gone in my favour. I have to talk to them about details tomorrow.

As I am now 'on my own' for a few days - I may go to work for a couple of hours tomorrow, just to get back into the swing of things. I really want to stop taking these pain killers - I'm OK at home but I find it difficult to type and my conversation skills are zero - I either babble or forget my words. I'm lucky I have a fairly sophisticated correction program on my computer or this would be an incoherent mess.

I'm bored now - I want to get back to normal. I watched 'Intersteller' again last night and I thought it was rubbish. I might just watch something for pure entertainment later.

The old woman next door (Joan, about 90 - new hips, knees, wrists and 'leaky' feet) made a point of catching my eye and asking if I had been on holiday because 'she has noticed I've been in the house during the day) - just being nosey. I told her what had happened, everyone in the street will know by tomorrow.

It's about 7pm, I'm trying to decide if I should eat something or just go to bed. There is a big bunch of flowers in my dining room - I have no idea who brought them.