I'm glad last year is gone, I made the observation yesterday that I wanted to take it outside and beat it to death with a stick. I had started on a very optimistic note and put a lot of work into the first few months - but life never works out the way you want it to, at least not for me.
I don't feel too bad today, I went to bed at about 9pm last night with stomach cramps and heartburn the like of which I've never known - only to be woken by about 30 mins of non-stop fireworks at midnight. It never used to be like this? Every time I hear one I just imagine, someone, somewhere is setting fire to a fiver. I was invited to two parties last night - one apparently contained everyone in this town I never want to see again, and the other would have been carnage. I'm glad I stayed at home. After a dry xmas - I was depressed to walk the dogs early this morning and see my neighbour in his window watching me - in his dressing gown, at 8.30am, nursing a glass of wine.
Technically - it's Friday, I'll try and make it like any normal Friday, for my sake - I need to get back to normal - digestive system willing. Seriously - this week has been worse than in the summer when the hospital gave me anti-inflammatories (Naproxen?) that turned off my digestive system for 10 days. nothing can erase the memory of being curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor in the kind of pain one could probably describe as 'biblical'.
I don't have the time left to do half the things I planned this week - I'll have to compromise and hit the ground running on Monday - just gear up. The house needs a deep clean - it's a mess. Work is going to have to be a priority but in a different way. I'm going to be 50 in 6 months. I never wanted to be and I'll have to spend time thinking about where I am in the world. I've just listened to the woman who plays Jill Archer on the radio say - 'above all else, survival is imperative - nothing else matters' - and frankly, that's all there is. Keeping hold of everything this year is going to be difficult - moving forward even harder. I'll have to stand up for myself more - which isn't going to please people and isn't the easiest thing in the world.
I'll be trying to keep up with blogging as well. The last 6 months have been difficult - I'm seriously still struggling with day to day memory - I'm OK if things are in front of me but if something is out of my sight - it fades. My relationship with timescales is rubbish and I'm still fairly detached from who I was. Everything else is OK, part of my face is still numb but I've gone back to my old weight. Probably getting back to a more structured approach will help. I used to blog early in the morning before the dogs woke up - mostly my minds a blank in the mornings now - but it could be good mental exercise. I'll do my best - I've kept this up for nearly 10 years now and it would be a shame to just fade away.
The news is fairly dull. Lots of platitudes and promises will follow the floods but nothing will be done. The NY Honours simply underline how detached and corrupt society is now and it's only going to get worse. I'm fairly alarmed by the Fire in Dubai - it seems that just one small flame on a curtain almost immediately took town a 60 storey building, that's not supposed to happen - they are supposed to design situations like that 'out'. I'm very interested in architecture, contribute to a couple of facebook groups and co-host one, and like to think I have some little awareness - but that scale of fire, at that speed, from something so insignificant, really does disturb me.
I'm going to have another cup of tea - vaguely think about breakfast and start my day. 2015 was really terrible for me.
I nearly died, I lost 2 months in the middle, I've lost a lot of income and I'm really struggling, I'm feeling my age and my industry is becoming increasingly confused and fragmented. On the other hand, I have some good friends, my faculties and I'm still better at my job than people who earn far more than me. And I'm not dead. I think I've probably used up my 'bad look ration' for a while. I'll try and be positive.
Happy New Year.