Monday, 25 July 2016

Last week was very hard work. On Saturday I did some cleaning and attempted to compose myself before coming back into town at 6.30pm to work at the bar. I was on door security etc from 7.30pm until 3am. I earned £60. I can’t complain about that. It was actually a party that I had been invited to - I knew many of the people there - almost all in the same business as me, a couple said something along the lines of ‘is this what you do now?’. I’m actually a better designer than almost all of them, and certainly work harder - but clearly I’m getting something wrong. I didn’t mind missing the event - I preferred it. Nobody ever feels comfortable with single people at parties, and we don’t have much fun either, so we end up getting drunk or leaving early. It’s bad enough being gay - you only get invited out if you are ‘entertaining;’ - and if you ‘aint - the wives of all the men look at you with daggers and view you with suspicion and often open hostility (I’m not joking here). Everyone there was in a couple, most of them had children so were part of a multi layered social groups - all of which I’m excluded from - which is why I generally get the feeling that when I’m invited anywhere, it’s usually out of pity or because they want something. One of the odd things about working in bars and clubs is that you see everything. There is a point at about 11.30 when people just flip from being tipsy and happy too drunk and unpredictable. I’m also amazed at the number of adults in their 40’s who take drugs, as if nobody is going to notice. They might as well have a flag on their head. All the security staff can do is watch them carefully - which is quite hard work - and when there is a private party in some part of the bar - endless streams of drunk people will try and force their way in. They usually get aggressive when I say no. I cannot understand why anyone would gatecrash a party full of people they don’t actually know. One person in particular always annoys me. Roughly mid 40’s, very well and expensively dressed, very well connected, very good looking and vain - he spends all evening stealing drinks. The stairs that lead up to the private room and dance floor are directly opposite the toilets - people honestly don’t understand that I can see who goes in, how long they are in their for, and how their mood has changed when they come out. It’s incredibly difficult to deal with and a real headache for the owners, who are very anti drugs and drunks.

The place was full of people who have moved down to Hastings from London, all cash rich because they sold their London houses and bought far more for far less, all connected through their kids, all with supportive and extensive families, parents etc - and all quite insulated from the world. I can’t compete with that.

I reluctantly sent Sunday in work, after about 3 hours sleep - catching up, on stuff I won’t be paid for because the clients just assume I can pick up crumbs from the table and run around bailing them out when they need it, on the promise of work further down the line. A project that I had been tentatively offered has been given to someone much less capable than me who is a supreme creep and sycophant. A large project that I spent a lot of time preparing to pitch for has presumably gone to someone else, I don’t know - they have not told me, even though I was repeatedly told I’d be informed of the decision by Thursday (I’m used to that) - but I will have to contact the printers who went to a lot of trouble preparing quotes - because I have some level of self respect and professional courtesy. Another client has really messed up a piece of work and wasted a lot of my time because they didn’t think something through before they asked me to work on it. I’m probably going to be put into a position where I’m not expected to bill, they have pulled that one before - it’s very typical.

I get a lot of people saying to me that I’m doing things the wrong way and giving me advice - they tend to be the biggest piss takers.

I have had to block another friend on Facebook - not their fault exactly - they are very smart and enjoy political debate and tend to pose very challenging and provocative questions and then sit back and watch the chaos unfold - he’s ‘curated’ a large number of pro-Corbyn fans who assume that they are in a safe space and vent bile and spleen at anyone who does not share their narrow view of the world. I caused a major upset by pointing out that their blinkered, rabid, aggressive view of political process had far more in common with facism than socialism. They were all too stupid to understand that one. If Corbyn beats Owen Smith - which seems very possible, I’ve already decided to resign from the Labour party. I’m going to go back to being nothing and nobody.

There is a very small house on the market down the road - half the size of mine, needs a lot of decorating - tiny yard, typical flat fronted 2 up 2 down cottage. Exactly what I want - it’s £170k - which is roughly what I could get for this if only I could sell it. I can’t afford it, I can’t even think about it - this place needs a fortune spent on it, which I don’t have. (That very ugly house opposite sold for 190k - which is far more than it’s worth) I have a year left on the fixed rate mortgage which is filling me with utter dread, no idea if I’ll be able to get another - looking increasingly unlikely. Work is just getting worse and people are really starting to get me down. I should just get a job in an office and stop caring about things. Perhaps I should star planning my exit strategy now.

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