Thursday, 11 September 2014


Long, difficult and very busy week - there is a man with a drill outside the studio window - and jackhammers outside my house digging up my neighbours concrete dive - it seems to be about 10 feet thick.

In the absence of anything to say - here is my take on the future of the United Kingdom. Cut this out, keep it, and confront me with it in two years. (My mum used to cut the predictions out of the New Years papers and cross reference them after 12 months)

Scotland will get a very small yes, there will be a big party and lots of posturing and hangovers, and about 6 months of legal wrangling about the validity of the outcome. Cameron will try and postpone the general election and fail - his career is over, because of the change in the political landscape - labour are guaranteed a win, but will have to spend all their time dealing with the fallout of this and struggling to make sense of the new social order. The tories will panic and bring in Boris, who will almost certainly win the next election, probably only after about 2 years, assume huge powers and his ego and self belief will make him think it’s because he’s popular and ‘right’ - leading to massive, Thatcher like fuck ups and hordes of scared tory voters waving flags and crying a lot. There will be a giant airport somewhere on the coast that will cost billions and only ever be half built, finally sinking into the sea with most of out reserves.

In Scotland - loss of key investment and a hastily cobbled together currency will see industry struggle - unemployment rise rapidly (fuelled by large numbers of people ‘going home’ through misplaced nostalgia and because so many idiots think independence legitimises racism towards the Scots). Scotland will have no place on the world stage - making it vulnerable to sharks like Russia, China, India and Donald Trump who just want to strip it's assets and turn it into a theme park full of servile serfs who need the work - mostly it will be golf courses and tea shops. Property prices will tumble outside clusters of beauty spots - rather like Ireland, not helped by the strange and absurd property laws up there. Whatever passes as a Scottish Government will be forced to accept humiliating but nicely packaged trade deals because, well... they won't have any choice. There will be lots of announcements like 'isn't it great that Putin wants to invest millions into strip mining and fracking the highlands, he's our bestest friend!"

England will lose it’s position on the world stage and just become a nonentity - unless we get involved in a small and very grubby war - a bit like the Falklands but with someone else in charge - probably America, who will pull the strings for decades to come, we will become to them what Cuba was to the USSR. Nobody will ever ask our opinion on anything ever again - we won’t matter. Boris will just become increasingly mad, resort to extreme patriotism and jingoism to keep what’s left of his popularity and there will be constant border scuffles and resentment towards the Scots - in the same way that there were towards the Irish in London and Birmingham during the 1970s.

It will kill the Queen (nobody’s thought of that, have they!!!) and Charles will almost certainly defer to to William because Brand Windsor is probably the only thing keeping the country going and it needs a better ‘face’. That poor girl will be forced to have a child every year to keep our spirits up.

Everything will be shit. Thanks Cameron. You really fucked this one up. Political careers are supposed to end in failure - you really didn’t need to put in any practice.

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