Later on Thursday

I walked the dogs in the country park when I got back from the studio. I came across a little opening in the woods with a fully furnished crack-den, armchairs, a table fashioned from branches and logs, a large metal tray used as a table top and a selection of foils, spoons, plastic pots and general drug detritus. There was also an empty Evian bottle. I sometimes wonder if their quality of life is any worse than mine.

Horrible day at work, another dull, flat, empty day. The long term results of losing a regular client and several jobs early in the year failing to 'come off' and everyone I work for having 'little' cash flow problems has resulted in me having a 'big' cash flow problem. Vaguely thinking about applying for a credit card. I need to go to London later in the month to talk to a potential new client that could end up with me working in London several days per week at quite a high daily rate - for about 6 months. It's tempting but also complicated at the same time - travel, overnight stays in London, dog kennelling, higher cost of living - my life will be on hold for months, I'll have to work absurdly hard, and there is no guarantee that I'll end up any better off than I am now - just more tired. Of course - it will be good career-wise, it's quite high profile ( which immediately makes my low self esteem and lack of confidence kick in ) and they really want to see me - I have 'history' with them already. I've been starting some research, keep coming across people in that industry I worked with in the past that I NEVER want to see again. I have a couple of weeks to get my head straight and decide how motivated I am. The thing is - it really will all come down to what I decide to wear at the interview. I have a very good vintage Daks suit - might go for the jacket, jeans, good shoes and a very fancy tie. They will probably call security.

My lack of funds, bills, increasing despair at the cost of living and failure to be able to manage despite working really hard, is really getting my down. Been here too many times before, getting boring now. Might end up joining the crack smokers, at least you get to relax and let someone else worry about your problems, being too fucked up to care about them yourself.

The big Victorian Villa behind me that is being re-furbished has finished being painted the same sickly pink as my house, but in their defence - they have replaced all the PUV windows with new custom made sash ones. The annoying thing is, by being fully refurbished at great expense - it has added quite a bit of value to the house opposite, and they live a door away from the house where the drunk woman lived ( she's gone now ) - that house is being refurbished too - in fact, most of the houses on that street have been 'done up' this year, and as a result - all are now worth much more, including the house behind me (opposite the villa) - which belongs to an X student. The point being... none of this will trickle down towards me - I'm still sitting on near negative equity, and will continue to do so for at least 2 more years.

I must sound like a right miserable bastard and I'm sure that everyone knows someone much worse of than me. I'm just not in a great frame of mind and can't really take any pleasure in anything right now. I've spent the last 9 years trying to keep a stuttering long distance relationship going but I've been informed that it's run it's course. I don't ever think there is going to be anyone else and it's hit me harder than I thought it would. Not a surprise, probably saw it coming a long time ago - still does not make me feel any better. Probably need to keep away from the general popular media for a few weeks, nothing is more guaranteed to make me angry and despairing. That reminds me - I keep catching bits of The Archers by accident. I am sure they think that the long running story ark with kathy and her horrible boss has moments of comedy and melodrama - but to anyone who has ever been bullied at work - it's like being beaten with a hammer all over again. I wish they would just fuck off.