What a year, what a mess.
Recovering from the double body blow of Richard Adams and Carrie Fisher lost within the space of just 10 mins. It’s been an unrelenting descent into grief, confusion and frustration. So many important people who invested a tiny part of themselves in me, and helped create the person I am and the culture I live in, actors, writers and musicians. All the things I love and all the compensations and distractions from this life. Additionally, death in my own family, my oldest friend and the child of someone I know well. It’s not what I’m used to and I don’t really have the experience or will to process what this all means.
I suppose there must be something in all this we can take, I certainly need to. So many people that are my peers are gone suddenly - people of my age, I start to wonder about my own place in the world - and how long I can retain it. What if its nearly gone? How much real control do I have over what is left? How exactly do I manage the next five years, if I’m lucky enough to live through them. How do I deal with the mess of Brexit and the appalling spectacle of Trump. A redundant Labour party and a government of smug, small minded, stupid right wingers and political idiots who should have been shown the door years ago. A nation reeling and self combusting - drawing itself back in time to the nostalgia of a past that never really existed and they probably didn’t want anyway.
I’m good in a corner - I still have options, yes, also challenges and handicaps, but choices I can make and goals I can set myself. It just feels a lot harder today.