And it's freezing cold, I'm in a foul mood... and I'm a bit bored because I forgot to put the chicken in the oven so lunch will probably be at about 9pm... here's my opinion about something you probably couldn't care less about.
Mary
Dreary fat pub singer, bingo wings and bargain hair colour, constantly filling up due to HRT and sugar rush and "doing it for my daughter" or possibly her "Mam.... her Dad... the bairn that died" ( might just have been heartburn) or the "chicken pie she forgot to defrost that time". One trick pony that makes everything sound like a drunk, drag Shirley Bassey tribute. Probably a pain in the arse at family parties... keep her away from the lager.
Rebekca ( or whatever.. )
Cut price Heather Small, does one note very well and beats the rest to death... can't make eye contact due to giving herself away as a reptilian or something. I'd really hate to be in the room when she's in labour. Least offensive person in the room.
Matt
Dreary, self absorbed, mediocre busker with moderate looks, appeals to unhappily married women who fantasize about him coming round to fix the boiler. Does a really annoying 'prayer' thing with his hands when he needs sympathy - attempts to look meek but actually looks smug. Goes to a lot of trouble not to smile.
Cher
Vile, stunted, hard faced little runt with the face and disposition of a pit bull. Spoilt and surly, wants to 'bring a new twist to English Music' by playing the same 'mash-up' trick every song - can't really sing, can't rap, looks like a very well preserved 50 year old crack addicted hooker and wears more slap than Jordan. Probably carries a knife in her knickers and is secretly hated by everyone.... but there is gold in them thar hills for someone - as soon as her downloads stop selling she'll be back at a bus stop on an estate somewhere giving blow jobs for a bag of chips and a meat pie.
One Direction
Faceless, talentless, tuneless, pointless... unless you fancy barely legal schoolboys. One for Louis.
.......................................................................................
Predicted Winner - Matt Cardle ( easy to manage and control - will do what he's told )
Biggest Seller - Cher ( will vanish without a trace after first album - unless she gets arrested for benefit fraud - will be pregnant by Easter )
Biggest 'Journey' - Mary, with a bit of luck - might get promoted to Waitrose
Biggest consumer of Anusol - One Direction, first single - "The Only Way Is Up"
Most likely to earn a living long term - Rebeckcckkaaa - the clubs are calling
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