Look at this face....

What kind of face is this? What kind of person do you think is is?

Well, it doesn't really matter anymore - because he's dead.

His name was Tyler - but now he's nothing. Just a cold empty mass on a metal plate, stuck in a freezer somewhere. He used to be a teenage student, a gifted musician and a much loved son. He was apparently very popular and well liked, but last week he left the college campus had joined just a couple of weeks before and decided to drive an hour before throwing himself into the Hudson River. He wasn't mad, drunk, depressed or ill. He knew what he was doing and was convinced he had no choice. He killed himself - ended his own life, lost everything, threw it all away, ruined the lives of everyone around him. His friends, his family, his partner - everyone. because he didn't think he had a choice. What does a sane person have to feel to do something like that???

I read about his death in the paper earlier this week. It made world news, almost. The broadsheets and left-of-center liberal sites carried it - but it was rather an uncomfortable little piece about a nobody from a place nobody had ever heard of, it's bouncing around the bleeding heart talking heads and will probably rumble on for a few more weeks in the background - but then the dust will settle and everyone will find something else to feel sorry about - and Tyler can stay in the cold dead earth with nothing but worms and grief and guilt for company.

Four other American teenagers killed themselves last week - one was only 13. The only thing they had in common was that they were all struggling with their sexuality. Actually... that's not strictly true. There really isn't anything to suggest that was why they killed themselves. More concisely - they were struggling with everyone else having difficulty coming to terms with their sexuality. Tyler, was slightly different  he didn't seem to have any problem with being gay - he was apparently quite a happy individual and was seeing someone. Tyler's problem was betrayal.

Tyler was rooming with another student ( the 'rooms' in these college dorms are more like little flats) and had asked to be given some privacy - it was pretty obvious he was expecting company - so his new room mate agreed to visit a friend down the corridor. This particular college has a policy on privacy and respecting boundries - and fair enough - that's what happened. Except it didn't. Tyler's room mate set up a secret webcam and recorded  him with his boyfriend, and to make matters worse - broadcast live over the internet and gave a running commentary.

The next week - the same thing happened - Tyler asked for a bit of privacy, the roomie agreed - and the same scenario was repeated, except this time the roomie decided to advertise the event in advance and drum up as big an audience as possible. He was assisted in this by his friend - both of them American Asians of several generations - so possibly aware of what it's like to be a bit of an outsider.

You can't keep this sort of thing a secret. Tyler having sex was all over the campus, Tyler having sex was the talk of the town. People were commenting on his performance, generally with monosybalic responses like 'euw!!!'

Being gay didn't kill Tyler. Being betrayed did. Being humiliated. The absolute knowledge that whatever happens in life - if you are on the outside, it will always be like this.

The photographs of Tyler's betrayers are very telling. Smart looking, smiley faced, attractive and glossy. Posed graduation shots - all teeth and hair, smug, shining middle class american over achievers. Tyler's only available public pictures show him deep in concentration playing the violin, or the one above. Candid, honest, smiling and open. Totally defenceless.

When I read the reports I had to wipe them from my mind or I would have been unable to go to work. it's not often I feel so angry, so fist and teeth clenchingly mad that I can't see anything but red mist. And something else - the heavy, solid thick lump that gets torn out of you when you know there is nothing you can do. There will be lots of faces like Tyler's - nothings going to change, people are stupid and cruel. If you have never had to face hardship, self doubt, conflict or insecurity you will never be able to appreciate the damage you can casualy do. If Tyler was straight and his date had been hot - then he might have been lauded or applauded - he might even have been secretly grateful for the exposure - but that's not the way it was. He was an easy target.

I had a conversation with someone once about gay men being smarter than straight men. They are more self aware because they have had to think about things that straight men never consider, about themselves, society, their relationships with other people and their place in the world - things that straight men will never have to worry themselves with, they can just take everything for granted.

Think about it, imagine you are a 16 year old boy and you decide to tell your parents you are gay, but you can't - because there is no way to be absolutly sure that they will still love you if you do.

What kind of face do you think this is now?