"lets try to be positive"

That was my motto for today - waste of fucking time.

I'm working on something I wish I'd refused, it's a nice piece of work but the brief is a mess and it's working to committee - it's going to be a disaster - I can see it coming a mile off, but the client has no idea. It's very frustrating and is really winding me up - I need to force them to sit down and identify what they actually want - but they can't understand that process...... tomorrow will be worse than today.

This evening - out of frustration and desperation I needed a break so I cycled up and down the hill twice, mostly without stopping. Quite pleased about it. I'm really unfit, I look OK but I'm not eating properly ( I have no appetite ) and I could really do with putting on weight. I'd look better, feel better and my clothes would fit better. I've never been able to put on weight properly, the fitter I get the thinner I get - I had a period in my mid 30's when I put on a couple of stone, but that was because I drank a lot of beer. I really need to improve my general fitness and feel better about myself. A quick scan of the internet revealed all manner of weight gain concoctions. In my early 20's I was given a diet by my doctor ( I was really skinny ) - which included a nasty daily milkshake of banana, milk, kelp, molasses, brewers yeast, raw egg and fruit sugar. I kept it up for a couple of years and I suppose it stopped me from falling down the odd grid.

A few years ago the 'fashionable' look in London and on the South Coast was that horrible Brighton Body - huge chest and upper arms and tiny weeny waist, forearms and super skinny legs - I have noticed that generally men look fitter, healthier and better proportioned ( but usually with fussy trucker beards and the fashion for stretch jeans makes me puke ). There is a new gym at the college and they did ask if staff members waned to be training guinea pigs for the students, but the walls are glazed and look out onto the central atrium - so you can forget that. If I look better it will massively improve my self esteem and I'd look better in my clothes - and probably stop wearing a jumper all the time. I know this sounds a lot like mid-life crisis, but there are worse things.

The big thing for me would be able to get jeans to fit properly - I'm between two sized and they never look right on me. Get the jeans right and everything else works. I bought a shirt in Primark the other day for £2. It's a very small woven check in blue and white - like gingham - exactly the same cut and look as a classic Ben Sherman - and it's poly cotton so it lasts for ever, never needs ironing and never shrinks - I did momentarily wonder if I should fret over the poor child in India who made it - but I had an attack of 'me, me, me' instead. It looks lovely!