In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream.

Nothing in the papers ( apart from 'Pedo fitted out Tesco Kitchen' in the Sun - and I'm off to Eastbourne to get dewy eyed over a Battle of Britain flypast.)

I was in an email conversation last night with a mate who is a writer in Brighton, he's quite successful in the phsyco-horror genre and has even had a Hollywood film made from one of his books starring Sean Bean, he'd sent me a link to a website run by an American woman who is apparently a leading light in the vampire genre, and flagged up one of her more appauling poems - it really was very bad and we had a good laugh. Her website makes her look like a porn star.

Many decades ago when I was a pretentious student I tried to write poetry for about 2 hours - I can't, I have no talent for it whatsoever - neither have most people. I actually quite like bad poetry, the more pretentious and awful the better - The Rhyme of the Ancient mariner was dramatised on the radio yesterday with a narration by John Nettles and it was really comic ( unintentionally, of course ).

Anyway, we got into a 'bad' poetry writing competition, and I am as good at that as I am terrible at writing good' poetry. I had to write one in the voice of the vampire woman, exactly as she would write it, and here it is.

apologies to anyone who is insulted or offended, but that's the whole point, frankly - I think it's better than hers - I've emailed it to her... I'll let you know what she thinks.

Ellergy on a Sanitary Towel, by Gabrielle Faust

Dark, deep, ruddy flow
creeping, silent - solemn - inevitable
your dark veil shrouds me thus

I yield to the curse of the goddess
I ache to expell her gift
it proclaims me, WOMAN!!!!

Oh bloody curse - I absorb thee in virgin white
This totem invades, drinks from my swollen cup and recedes
I withdraw the supplicant, and flush.